I don’t have any New Years Resolutions WOO! I didn’t have any last year but I decided to write down nice things that happened throughout the year (which did last a few weeks at least) and keep them in a tin. I found them the other day and it made me happy, so resolving not to make new years’ resolutions was a great plan, evidently. The ‘Rememberlutions Jar’ is a lot better than creating unrealistic expectations for myself and will help me see the positives in my life. I think I blogged about this last year but who knows. I might try to be more consistent with my blog, but I say this every few months so we’ll see. I am settling into the new routine a bit now so everything is beginning to seem more manageable (other than my body clock, which likes to be all over the place gaaaaah). Hence why I’m writing here at midnight on the first day back at work after Christmas…whoops.
I have recently become OBSESSED with YouTube – vloggers, animators, the general community, theories on channels… it is brilliant. It is with the internet that I see my life represented: there are always two extremes. The internet has been my ‘rock’ when I have been alone. There are people I can relate to, there are outlets for people to share their views, it gives me a way of keeping in contact with people when I am unable to talk or communicate effectively with those physically in the vicinity. Some might say everyone does this and it’s antisocial but it really is a great support when one is prone to anxiety. There are stupid things, fun things, educational things, videos, articles, real people, characters, spaces for everyone. The other extreme, and the fear of vlogging I have, is of course the ‘haters’. I’m not going to dwell on that – it’s self explanatory and they don’t deserve my time.
We’ll see if I get anyway…new to the whole editing thing and need to scope out what I want the aim to be so starting up a kind of silly try-out channel (Pyjama Diaries is the link if you want to check it out) to play around with some ideas while I figure out where I want the main channel to go. I mean, obviously it’s location will be youtube but in terms of metaphorically ‘going’ somewhere, I’m unsure what tone to take. I would quite like to be educational and do societal commentary-esque stuff, but there’s so many brilliant ones out there already, I think I have some brainstorming to do. I could do a spider diagram…wow this evening just got even more exciting!
Over the past couple of weeks, I have begun to call out colleagues on their unintentional sexist remarks or attitudes. This has meant having constructive discussion with some of them about why I hold those opinions and explaining my standpoint. This is certainly a positive thing as it calls into question why I hold certain beliefs and values, encourages others to consider that, enables me to explain thoroughly and logically so that others can truly understand the everyday experience of being a female.
Any great work has to start somewhere. Once you hit twenty (as I recently did), you really start thinking about life. Everything in your life seems to suddenly gain so much more significance because you realise that you’re reaching a stage where people need to start figuring out how they’re going to survive in the big wide world. This feels like the go-between part; I don’t feel like I have a real home, I’m flitting between the South East and the South West – it’s confusing. I don’t think I could live in the same town for more than a few years, it gets so claustrophobic. We only have one life, we should make it an adventure.
It seems odd then that the feeling (or rather, realisation) that nothing really matters and of utter freedom should accompany the juxtaposing impending doom of having absolutely no idea what happens next, or how I get there. Or perhaps it makes total sense: we’re all just struggling through, not knowing where the train of life will stop next. That’s part of the reason I’m starting this blog. We, humanity, that is, spend too long wishing life away, stressing about overcoming the next hurdle, how to get to the next part, ticking of to do lists (at least that last one’s a huge part of my life). It’s time to take a step back and stop wishing my life away.
On reflection, the past twenty years were the crazy introduction to the person I am now. They were filled with stress and anxiety – it’s a work in progress and of course life is accompanied by a multitude of stresses, but now I find it hard to understand how easily I ignored the notion of ‘living’ before. In the past, I simply existed: got up; worked hard at school; drove myself insane with worry about ridiculous things; and eventually went to sleep. Since I’ve tried to turn that around, there are suddenly vast possibilities for the future. Yes, I have no idea where I want to be in a year’s time, in ten, in fifty…but it’s ok, this is actually a good thing. Sticking to strict plans can get in the way of ‘life’, blocking out any potential we might have. I can be anything I want to be and everything else is going to have to fit around that.
Tomorrow, these moments will be gone, and I maintain the philosophy that in life one regrets the things that one did not do, rather than the things one did. The latter will simply be experiences to learn from or stories to tell, and maybe they will feel like hell at the time, but in the end, people struggle through and it makes us stronger. Appreciating the beauty of moments and revelling in the present is the only way that we should live, and so that is what I shall do.