I don’t have any New Years Resolutions WOO! I didn’t have any last year but I decided to write down nice things that happened throughout the year (which did last a few weeks at least) and keep them in a tin. I found them the other day and it made me happy, so resolving not to make new years’ resolutions was a great plan, evidently. The ‘Rememberlutions Jar’ is a lot better than creating unrealistic expectations for myself and will help me see the positives in my life. I think I blogged about this last year but who knows. I might try to be more consistent with my blog, but I say this every few months so we’ll see. I am settling into the new routine a bit now so everything is beginning to seem more manageable (other than my body clock, which likes to be all over the place gaaaaah). Hence why I’m writing here at midnight on the first day back at work after Christmas…whoops.

I have recently become OBSESSED with YouTube – vloggers, animators, the general community, theories on channels… it is brilliant. It is with the internet that I see my life represented: there are always two extremes. The internet has been my ‘rock’ when I have been alone. There are people I can relate to, there are outlets for people to share their views, it gives me a way of keeping in contact with people when I am unable to talk or communicate effectively with those physically in the vicinity. Some might say everyone does this and it’s antisocial but it really is a great support when one is prone to anxiety. There are stupid things, fun things, educational things, videos, articles, real people, characters, spaces for everyone. The other extreme, and the fear of vlogging I have, is of course the ‘haters’. I’m not going to dwell on that – it’s self explanatory and they don’t deserve my time.

We’ll see if I get anyway…new to the whole editing thing and need to scope out what I want the aim to be so starting up a kind of silly try-out channel (Pyjama Diaries is the link if you want to check it out) to play around with some ideas while I figure out where I want the main channel to go. I mean, obviously it’s location will be youtube but in terms of metaphorically ‘going’ somewhere, I’m unsure what tone to take. I would quite like to be educational and do societal commentary-esque stuff, but there’s so many brilliant ones out there already, I think I have some brainstorming to do. I could do a spider diagram…wow this evening just got even more exciting!

AND NOW… time for the actual post…


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Dear Sammy

So I met you a few months ago now. I was feeling a bit of a mess but I was having a fun night: I was just being young and having a laugh with my friends; my MH problems weren’t too prominent during that week; and I felt confident. And I felt pretty attracted to you. Which was something quite new. We just clicked, and I don’t know why, and I’ve not seen you since, but it was a beautiful moment that we shared, at least in my mind. You’re the only girl I’ve ever kissed, and it made me realise we shouldn’t need to define ourselves by our sexuality, we shouldn’t need to define ourselves with so many labels all the time at all, we should just live the human experience and be happy when we encounter people or experiences that make us happy. I wouldn’t say I was ‘bisexual’ but neither do I need to say if I am ‘heterosexual’ – it’s simply irrelevant. People will come and go from our lives and we will have different forms of interaction with them. It’s something I think about often, the time I met you. Not many people know about you, not even my closest friends. And I wish we’d had a chance to talk more. I gave you my number but I never heard from you – maybe you’ve completely forgotten about me, but that’s ok, because you helped me realise we don’t have to live our lives by set definitions. We should just be ourselves and treasure those moments that do make us happy in the present. Thank you Sammy, for opening my eyes.


True Beauty

I watched the meteor shower. It was freezing and I was alone, and it was a beautiful moment in time. Those are the moments that I live for. The brief few where everything else drops away, you realise how tiny and insignificant you are in the middle of this vast beautiful universe with meteors speeding through space, scattered across the sky above you. I wish I could have shared everything I felt in that moment with a very special someone beside me. But I will treasure that time and the fact that it was my time and nobody else’s, the rare occasion where I am alone and content with the universe. If I write these moments down, I can remember and cling on to the fact that I don’t always have to be lonely when I’m on my own. There is so much out there waiting to be explored.