Hey all, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Because I’ve had too much going on in my present physical life to be too deeply involved in my mental one too often… so that has been good. My depression is on the upside at the moment, but the anxiety is building again. Since I last posted, I’ve moved into a flat with my wonderful partner, and we’re both in full time jobs living in a lovely area, pretty close to a bunch of friends. The period before that involved couch/bed surfing between various friends’ houses in the area, job searching, application-filling, phone conversations, flat viewings etc etc blah blah, you get the picture.
It finally feels like my actual home. I have somewhere that I am home, and I am happy. For the first time. Ever, I suppose. When we first moved in, a month ago tomorrow in fact, we didn’t have any furniture and we were on a borrowed air bed that needed blowing up every night – and we didn’t have a pump. I felt pretty tired and stressed the whole time, but the novelty of having a place to call my own was amazing. We’ve since filled the flat with furniture, had some pretty busy weekends, ordering things, building things, buying things, and have spent rather a lot. But that’s the worst of it out of the way. For good. Because now we have furniture. And a home. And we’re earning. Our salaries are both quite meagre, but together it works out pretty decently. I realise this is probably really boring, but I’m just going to revel in the moment while the most interesting thing in my squiggly brain is setting up house. We even have a spreadsheet where we split the costs of food/utilities every week to keep it even. I find this way too exciting and I am aware of that.
While it might seem that life has been pretty mundane in the recent past, my brain is never completely stable, and the bursts of panic seem to be recurring more frequently. They don’t last as long, but they’re pretty unpredictable and I’m terrified of getting panicky at work. And I don’t want my illness to get in the way of my work. And it’s making me agitated and upset because I know I need to make an appointment to see my new doctor soon to get things moving now I’m staying down in this area, but I really don’t want to, and it’s a faff having to work out when to miss work – especially as I get two buses there and two buses back and work is half 8 to half 5 Monday to Friday… which makes the doctors pretty inconvenient – and I feel guilty about it.
Luckily, I have one of the most caring people in the universe by my side, and through all the stress of moving in together and getting started in our young adult lives, he’s been so supportive and kind. I don’t know how anyone puts up with me, but I know I wouldn’t be in the mental place I am now without his constant love and support, especially since leaving University and entering adult life. It’s made the transition so much easier having someone there going through the same thing but being so strong themselves that they’ve got time to make me stronger too.
I’m not really sure what this post is about, I just feel like so much has happened and I’ve forgotten to make any time for writing. Maybe now we’re settled it will start flowing a bit more naturally. I’m exhausted and up and down every day, but it’s not such a constant depression and the anxiety is usually fleeting, although it is always unexpected, but I’ve joined a gym, I’m eating regular meals, I’m in a Monday to Friday job where I have free weekends and evenings, and it feels like I am actually doing something with my life. Admittedly, I haven’t been to the gym this week, but I was ill (physically, for once) so I’ll excuse myself. I’ve got a membership which means I can go to whichever classes I want, so I’ve done some pilates and some bodypump. Pilates is great with a particular instructor, but her classes get booked so fast I don’t know when I’ll be able to make another! And bodypump is a weightlifting session I thought I’d try for a laugh that has actually made me feel amazing, just focusing in the moment, and literally feeling pumped, every Tuesday evening. I tried ‘bodybalance’ which was way too airyfairy to go again – it couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be ‘intense’ or ‘relaxing’ and rather than being balanced it felt like a weird mix of stuff that left me feeling a bit deflated. So I won’t be going to that one again. Bodycombat sounds pretty fun, so I’m going to give that one a go.
Anyway, the point is, I’m doing things purely for me and learning new things in the day and in the evening. My job is for a technology company, sitting on the support team, which means: writing test scripts; testing software that’s being developed by the developers on the team; dealing with requests from clients; converting and writing some HTML. It’s nothing I envisaged myself doing, and some bits of it are tedious, but I’m learning more and being given more responsibilities, and the days where I’m doing a few different things are great. I get made tea and coffee all day by a lovely lady in the office and my colleagues are super fun. Although the ‘air con wars’ are passively aggressively frustrating, the ‘OXO soup wars’ and the like are hilarious. Don’t ask. It’s so refreshing to be with new people, doing something new, living somewhere new – it basically feels like I’m giving myself a second chance at life, at least giving my brain a chance to be healthy. And I haven’t really looked at it that way. But I know I should, and I should make the most of this opportunity. Because I’ve been stuck inside my head for so long, and all the places I’ve been have those horrible associations, and yes, I’ll still have to deal with them, but now I’m on steady medication, it’s done as much as it can, and I need to get some therapy alongside that. Everything seems so much clearer than it did this time a year ago, and I’m in the right place to deal with it, physically and mentally in the world.
This has been a pretty rambly one, but I realise it’s helped sort my thoughts into some kind of order, although it may not appear that way to the reader, so my apologies on that front. To everyone struggling in the place I was in a year ago, and until very recently, and the place that likes to pay a visit every now and then, stay strong, you are amazing, keep fighting and remember ‘you is smart, you is kind, you is important’.