I am pretty sure I need to do something serious to deal with my self-destructive impulses. I’ve got past the stage when I was only damaging myself, and I’m verging on territory where I’m hurting other people, and perhaps because I’m trying to avoid going back to that place so much, I’m instead pursuing alternative means of wreaking havoc. And that’s really not ok.
I think I’m just so scared of going back into that dark mental space that I’ve struggled with so much in the past, that anything seems like the better alternative. If only we didn’t have to deal with the consequences of our actions… I’m trying to work out why it is that I feel as though I want to act on base desires and have meaningless encounters. Maybe it’s because I feel hurt and it’s been a while since I had stability in my personal life. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life in terms of a career, and that’s been stressing me out a lot. I got rejected from a job/course I really wanted and it’s coming up to the end of my contract at my current employer and it’s just all a bit scary, this whole ‘adulting’ thing.
There have been a couple of people in my life that I have truly loved. And since things haven’t worked out, all I seem to do is leave a path of destruction wherever I go. It’s hard for me to write this, to admit any of this, but I am so caught up in my head at the moment, I don’t know what else to do. Even trying to explain what’s going on inside my mind is difficult and confusing. I just want to understand where I am mentally. I’ve made things messy with friends, so I can’t go to them, because all I’m doing is causing more drama. And my own mess is my own burden to bear – sometimes the hardest thing to do is to give yourself the time and space you need to properly process. I rush into things, I move too fast, and I try to be brave and strong with everything in my life, but sometimes you just need some time out. Yes, death often seems like the only way out, but I’m trying so hard to avoid thinking of that as a realistic option, and dealing with myself in a logical and rational way.
I haven’t blogged on here in months, because my life was pretty hectic, and I’ve been pretty low.
Maybe I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe every relationship I attempt is destined to failure because I’ve messed up so many times in the past. Various relationships have been messy – both romantic and platonic – in the past few months, and sometimes I really wish I had a clean slate. Not let myself get too attached to people, because they might leave. The one person who didn’t leave… I left him. And I think I’ve been beating myself up about that more recently, because of the lack of stability in my life. I don’t know what I want career wise, I know I need a break from the drama of the intimacy in my life…but undoubtedly that will sneak up on me when I least expect it, I’ll have wild encounters with people that I know I shouldn’t and have amazing highs followed by very extreme lows.
I think I maybe need professional help. Yes, I have sought this in the past, and my brain is nothing like it used to be – that’s kept under control by the 2 grams of drugs I have to take every day (even when I miss just one dose, I can start to feel the difference). But now, rather than hurting myself or purging, I express my anxieties into reckless and destructive behaviour – I guess ‘projecting’ rather than ‘internalising’. Both options are Not Ideal. It just feels like something that isn’t going to resolve itself. I have and know a lot of coping mechanisms, but what do I do when none of those work? When I try and go through the motions of the various things to deal with the depression, with the anxiety, and I still feel empty and pointless and like a waste of space?
In theory, I should probably go tee total, as I know my ‘acting out’ is triggered/exacerbated by consuming alcohol, but simultaneously I like having the escape. Yes, escapism isn’t necessarily a healthy way of coping with my overwhelming emotions, but at least temporarily I can abandon my insecurities. Everything in my life seems to be in extremes: I’ll have extremely strong feelings and passionate commitment to one person, and then I could go completely crazy; I’ll have an amazing day and then in the evening I’ll have no idea what to do with myself and come crashing down; when I’m really busy, I’m stressed but happy; and when I don’t have plans, I feel empty and broken.
Basically I’m trying to process a lot right now, and writing is one way of dealing with that so hopefully this will help me… but I may have just confused myself more by trying to explain the catastrophe that is my brain.