Happy and emotional

So I met a boy. Just before Christmas, out on my work do, a very inebriated version of myself decided to pretty much fall sideways into this guy that happened to also be on the dance floor at a bar in town, who walked me home and stayed in touch – a lovely, kind, funny, silly, adventurous cutie who I just click with completely, who I proceeded to spend a lot of time with…who has just moved to New Zealand for the year. I knew that this was happening when we met, which was not even 2 months ago, but I never envisaged how much I would fall for him. We’re going to attempt the super long distance thing… and I feel fairly ok about it. I think the reason I was panicking before was because it was so uncertain, and because of the way a previous relationship ended with profession of love and expressing that it would be ending for the travels being wrapped up in one sentence…and the fact that H was so new in my life meant that I wasn’t sure how things were going to play out. I managed to pluck up the courage to suggest giving a relationship a go – which wasn’t easy – but the response was an immediate yes and he was very glad I said something. I am very glad I did too. I would always rather try something and see what happens than never know what could have been and maybe the fact that we both knew he would be on the other side of the world fairly shortly made us very honest with ourselves and one another. I don’t seem to do things in balance, only in extremes – and I have a feeling this will be an extreme commitment. And it’s scary, yes, but the fact that I still feel that way when H is literally as far away as he could possibly be, with the biggest time difference, is reassuring in a way.

He makes me smile so much my jaw literally aches. I know that sounds super cringey, and gross, and it probably is, but those who know me will know that I only use ‘literally’ in the literal sense – because otherwise, what is the point of having a word for that purpose in the first place? We just have so much fun when we’re together, whatever it is that we’re doing. I hope we can make it work, and I’m thinking about going out to see him in NZ in the summer, as my current work contract ends in August, but there are many serious things to think about in the meantime. Although they (him and 2 friends have gone) will be snowboarding at that point in the year, and I haven’t been skiing/snowboarding in several years and I would absolutely love to join them. And I have been thinking about going travelling for a while anyway… I keep seeing pictures and hearing stories from various friends who have been to all sorts of places and it is giving me the major wanderlust. I have monies saved up to put towards travelling, as I want to go at some point in my twenties. Maybe it will be this year. Maybe this is what I needed to give me the motivation and sense of purpose to actually plan something concrete rather than it just being an idea in my head.

So the 2 friends H has gone with also have girlfriends, so they will all understand about staying in contact with those at home, and although H and I only got together recently, I think it’s nice for all of them that they’re not alone in their position. I heard from H in between flights on the way out, which was a really nice surprise as I thought it would be a few days before we had any contact. We’ve got the Skype set up for when its convenient and they’re all sorting SIMs out in the next couple of days. I may be blogging more as I am trying to fill up my time and keep as busy as possible now he’s gone. The last week was lovely – spent the weekend together, met a bunch more of his friends (met some and his family already and he’s met some of mine, all the kind of natural stages in a relationship). I took the day off work so we could spend his last full day in the country together, and I’m so glad I did, because we had an amazing day out, and I felt truly happy all day. It really was a proper goodbye. I only started to get emotional when I left the next morning – leaving at 6.30am to drive for over an hour to home and get ready and in to work on time. Yes, his house in the UK is not particularly near, but when my friends have pointed this out, I have responded with the fairly obvious statement that it is a lot closer than half way round the world.

I pretty much held it together, with a few tears on the drive back, but accompanied by happy tears too. At work that day, I had a HUGE amount of emails and phone calls from the day off to catch up on, so I was certainly occupied during the day and had many things to focus on and keep track of. Anyway, because we’d been having such a great time, and been busy recently, I had been doing quite well at not getting emotional. Then I called him as he got on the plane and into his seat for the first stint of the flight, at which point I did burst into tears because I am going to miss him ridiculously. Luckily my friend C arrived as I was on the phone – she was staying over (for completely unrelated reasons that happened to fall quite conveniently for me) so she was there to give me the cuddles, and she took my mind off things as we had lots to catch up on from life, and having someone beside me in the night was also comforting. Having a mid-week sleepover was very strange but keeping busy is going to be good for me. C had baked peanut butter fairy cakes with jam in the middle to cheer me up, and made me lots of tea and it was lovely (I need to remind her to send me the recipe for the cakes, as baking is another thing I can do to occupy my mind and I can also give these to the team at work).

I arrived at my desk at work on Wednesday morning to a pile of gifts and some flowers with a note from my supervisor saying ‘A few things to take your mind off other things…’ within which was chocolate, bubble bath, alcohol, teabags and the special Gender issue of the National Geographic, as she knows that is the sort of thing I would enjoy perusing. It was so thoughtful and lovely of her to do that, as she knows the situation with H, and obviously I’d taken the day off to say goodbye etc, and I almost burst into tears at my desk. I told H what she’d done and he told me to give her a hug from him (which I did mention to her in my one to one meeting the next day, so I need to inform him that this has been received), and I realise I am very lucky to have someone so very caring as my boss. My team at work is great, they’re all super silly, so I fit in excellently, and I can be my annoying, sarcastic, literal self around them, which is not something I often do in public, let alone a professional environment – much to their disappointment I am sure, but the fact I feel comfortable enough to view my colleagues as friends as well is quite a nice bonus. We’re quite a mix of people, ages, genders, backgrounds etc and I think it works pretty well. We seem to be constantly growing at the moment though (the team, not personally, although we do all snack a lot…) – the business seems to want us to do more and more, therefore they basically need another one of me and another one of my supervisor to effectively function in the way that they want us to in addition to a bunch of other things. BUT it’s the weekend, so I don’t want to dwell on work too much.

Why do I find the energy to blog at 2am but I can never wake up for work at a normal time ?!

H was just one of the things I wanted to mention in this post. I realise I haven’t posted here in a long time and there have been many developments in various aspects of my life. There is pole, there is orchestra, there are general life thoughts, general health updates etc – my mental health has actually been quite steady for the past two months – wow, reflecting on that, that is pretty damn incredible, especially reading back some of my blog posts from a couple of years ago. I’m still on the high dose of Sertraline, and I’m going to stick with it – I attempted dropping the dose down before Christmas, but this was not sensible. I am just taking it in the mornings now, as the doctor advised, rather than taking it late at night so that I’m not really sleepy when I needed to get going for work the next day.

 

Physical health update… However much I love my work family, I cannot sit at a desk forever. My back will break even more. I am seeing a chiropractor and a physiotherapist at the moment, and both are helping – it’s expensive but it’s worth it for the difference its making, and I feel like I am now friends with both of them, always have great chats at the sessions. Moving around helps my back/neck feel better, but movement is a bit limited on days where I am stuck in front of the screen for a long time. I do try to get up and make drinks or move around the building and pop outside (weather permitting) regularly. Other than the usual back/neck problems, physical health is doing ok other than many bruises from pole!

It is now coming up to my ‘pole-iversary’, having gone to my first pole taster in February 2016, on a random ‘give it a go’ kind of outing as a couple of my friends were booked on and a space came up last minute – it’s very strange to think it has been a year, and pole has been the one constant in my life throughout that time. I am very grateful to the instructors for all the confidence they’ve given me and all the fun I’ve had in classes. I am stronger, I am more confident, I feel better about my body. I have learnt so much about the pole community and everyone has been so welcoming and lovely, as well as helping me keep fit and motivating me, I have made some great friends who are great fun to socialise with outside of classes too. Next weekend I am performing at the studio’s showcase, my first solo performance, choreographed myself, in front of an audience that includes some of my friends. I am absolutely terrified, but my mind has also been so occupied recently, that I haven’t really left myself much time to worry about it. It will be fun, and it will be an experience.

I should really sleep as I am mid Orchestra weekend. Had a couple of hours rehearsal today (Friday evening) and got rehearsals tomorrow and Sunday with a concert Sunday afternoon. It’s nice to be playing clarinet again, feeling part of a group – and again, its something that one can be completely engrossed in, not having to speak but being able to express oneself through music. This weekend will be musical expression, and next weekend it will be through dance… both things have come at a fairly convenient time really, as I am feeling a lot of emotions.

Then in early March, I have a weekend to kick off my TEFL course! This I signed up for several months ago, to do a course to teach English as a foreign language, which I thought could be useful for travels, and teaching is also something I’ve considered as a career. So it will be an intensive weekend and then 100 hours online, so congratulations to me making life as hectic as possible. This is certainly a bit of a manic phase… but I think it’s a good thing. I’m feeling ok. Since my current employment is only fixed until August, I had always planned to consider the serious life plans going into 2017. So this is what I shall do.

Wow. Many life thinkings to do…

One last soppy note before I sign off – H gave me a gorgeous necklace, which he gave to me early this week saying that he felt bad for leaving so he wanted to get me something – it was unexpected and very sweet, and it’s just perfect. For someone that is scared of commitment, the L word and all things lovey dovey, he has been pretty romantic with me, even if he pretends to be all tough, and I am most appreciative of this – we hit it off straight away and have developed something truly amazing in the short time we’ve known each other – we just work really well together, and I can see this being something great. We’ll just have to see how it goes now.

Hope you are all as happy as I am but not so emotional!

E

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