Feeling rubbish at the moment. I just want a chance to be myself, but everyone seems to have a problem with the person that that is. Which makes me really sad. I feel like I’m losing friends, I’ve pushed people that care about me away and my brain is in a mess. I just don’t know how to function at the moment.
I’m stressed and anxious about moving out of this flat and into somewhere new. People don’t understand how panicky I get about everyday situations, let alone how I deal with massive changes like this, which weren’t exactly easy choices to make. I know other people have far more complicated situations, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings of my own – everything is relative. I know I’m not good at being on my own, and that’s a massive risk, probably no good for my mental health, but I can’t just stay ‘safe’ forever and I know that.
My new job is good, but I’m still faking being happy all day every day, filling up my mind by filling up the work day, doing longer hours than I need to, taking on lots of tasks and attending lots of meetings.
Things are difficult because T and I have the same circle of friends, and they don’t know how to act around us. I’m trying so hard to be a good person and do the right thing. Whatever I do, someone gets hurt. It all feels so pointless when everyone is going to hate you anyway. I just want to give up. I don’t need to answer to anyone else, yet everyone keeps finding excuses to have an issue with me. My family, friends that I care about, just everyone.
I can’t deal with any of this anymore.