I keep loading my blog up to start a new post and then getting distracted by other things or not concentrating enough to form my crowded thoughts into coherent language. Whenever I start to do one thing, an ever-increasing list of things to do starts to wind its way out of my mind, reminding me of the many other tasks I have been neglecting, or creating things that my brain decides it should be doing, which tends to instil guilt, throw me into panic mode, make me ashamed of being myself. Understandably, this then prevents me from doing anything. So I am going to attempt to block that side of my brain out for a moment, but it is never an easy feat.
I got a new job, and I love it.
It was such a shock being made redundant, with everything else going on in my busy brain, that I honestly expected to sink into another extreme low…but there are only a few days left of August, so it looks like I might have skipped that awful phase this year. We’ll see. I did not expect to find something so quickly, and I certainly did not expect to find anything I enjoyed so much as soon as I did. My aim was just to ‘find work’ – I applied for several different types of jobs but after the interview for this one, it seemed like a good fit, and I can now confirm, that I really do fit in. Somehow. It’s a strange feeling, to be trusted with a lot of work for a lot of people, and to be respected for doing it. In a team that I get on with, in an environment that I feel comfortable in.
It is, once again, a male dominated team, but at a much larger company, so there are a lot of women throughout the rest of the building. It’s still strange. I don’t think a lot of men realise how odd it is to be surrounded by mostly male colleagues every working day. And yes, of course there are some women in more senior roles, but it’s still only something like 10% of all senior staff, if that. Women get talked over in meetings. Yet men don’t interrupt other men. It’s interesting to observe but it’s also really disheartening. Even when there are male and female persons at objectively the same status within the organisation, men tend to view another male as the more dominant figure, regardless of the validity of their contributions to discussion.
I like that I’m not sat at one desk all day though – I have meetings in various spaces, with a mix of people, there is more outside space, a canteen etc, so it’s good for my body and my brain to move around, so I feel more independent rather than like I’m trapped in a cage all day. Everyone on the team (10 people in all) is very different, which I think helps everyone work well together, and I like all of them, for the individuals that they are. All in all, I’m more comfortable in this environment and get much of a sense of belonging, and feel that I can be myself. It’s a nice feeling going into work and not being really anxious every day. Of course I will be some days, but I will also look forward to it some days, so that’s an improvement.
I’ve got a job, I think I’m doing it well, and I’m enjoying it a lot, and it’s given me one point of stability in my life.
I’m separating from T.
I have lived with him for a year, and been with him for two now. We have agreed to separate, and find places of our own – well, houseshares etc for now. Another stress to be dealing with, and a logistical confusion as well, what with two of us to sort out, and furniture, money etc. It’s been a difficult few months, but this is the best thing for both of us right now. T has been a loving, kind, supportive friend throughout the time we’ve had together, and he knows how much I appreciate that. I envisaged us having a future together, but maybe we rushed into moving in together too fast, or maybe our relationship just naturally expired. Either way, things haven’t been the same, and we’ve just been going through the motions of being together, without our hearts being in it. We had a wonderful holiday in Europe – I was distant and it was strange, admittedly – but we saw so many cool things and it was just nice to be travelling, experiencing new places and being away from work and the usual people for two weeks. The worst of it was a couple of weeks ago, and I think T was pretty cut up about the whole situation, but he’s ok now, and I’ve made sure people are checking up on him – because I know I can’t be of much use at the moment. We’re both ok and have talked things through so we know where the other stands – we’re just sort of at an awkward point where we have split up, but we still live together and we’re still friends, and we’ll always have that history, but we’re just prolonging any pain now by being in this flat, rather than physically moving on with our lives. We’ll still be friends, I am sure of that, but we need some time apart from each other for us both to process things away from the other.n
This blog is a raw, honest, version of me that very few people see, so just remember in life, don’t judge too quickly, and look after yourself as much as you can. Don’t neglect your self-care for the sake of others’ needs.