There’s a couple of things I wanted to write about, but I’m feeling rubbishy and not doing so well, thoughts getting all jumbled etc… so this will just be a quick one (maybe).
Work isn’t going great. I’m happy to be in a full time job, but I’m also not really seeing eye to eye with my manager and work is just making me feel more depressed, and I really don’t know how I’m going to cope in the long term. And it’s making me stress and despair about life even more, because my concerns about maintaining a steady adult life are becoming a reality. There’s a few lovely people at work, and they’re fun and funny and wonderful, and I’m really appreciative of that. But I don’t know how much of anything my mental health can stand any more. It’s spiralliing a little, which is pretty hard to control and conceal when I’m in an office of a bunch of people older than me who aren’t aware of my head feeling like it’s stuck in a prison it can’t think its way out of.
So my new doctor is rubbish. Which sucks. I loved the one I’ve had for the past year, but I can’t see her anymore as I’m no longer a student, so all the trust and understanding we built up has just gone. And now I have to see a new doctor, who was incredibly dismissive and when I asked her opinion thought the appropriate response would be ‘Me?’ YES YOU ARE THE BLOOMING DOCTOR YOU ARE A MEDICALLY TRAINED PROFESSIONAL I HAVE MADE AN APPOINTMENT TO ASK YOUR ADVICE! Anyway, that’s been pretty damaging. I had a few things to ask about, but I didn’t ask a couple of them because she clearly just wanted me to get out of the way. I get that it’s a busy surgery, but I had been waiting half an hour and expected to be treated with the respect you’d expect from a medical professional. Especially as I was so scared before about speaking up about my depression to YET ANOTHER person, which is not exactly easy, and it wasn’t like I wanted to be there, and it was stressful enough booking an appointment and then missing a pretty important morning of work because I needed to see a GP. You’d think the doctor would help you feel better, not actually make you feel worse about yourself and that you’re a waste of space…
So I hurt myself for the first time in a long time, and I took a bunch of pills last night, but they just made me sleep well. I’m off sick today – well, I went into work and then felt faint and hot and rubbish and apparently I looked pale so the kind new admin assistant drove me home – but I feel guilty for being here because I haven’t been able to get much work done lately, because there have been problems with the server etc and external sites that are literally beyond my control. And a certain incompetent colleague doesn’t seem to get that, and is making me feel really bad about myself. I almost cried yesterday, which would have been super embarrassing, but I managed to hold it in until I got home. Instead of congratulating me on a load of work that I had actually done in a super speedy time frame, which was a whole load of hassle for more reasons THAT WERE NOT MY FAULT, all he had to say was ‘this is wrong, do these bits again’. And the reason they are wrong in the first place is because HE TOLD ME TO DO THAT and his incompetence is causing extra stress in my life. Basically it’s very difficult to maintain the facade of being mentally fine and dandy when it feels like there’s someone living in my brain smashing up anything useful and telling me to do bad things to myself and preventing any motivation.
This was gonna be a post about medication, and the idiocy of everyone shaming it when it actually helps and how people blaming medication for problems completely unrelated is damaging to a lot of people suffering from mental illnesses. I don’t have the energy to write any more right now, but I’ll try to get on that soon.
Hope you’re all doing better than I am,