So I actually have my interview today (hopefully), although I dreamt I was in another county and missed it… many anxiety dreams at the moment indeed. The night before I dreamt my boyfriend broke up with me, and then when I woke up he was gone and I was a little panicked – but he had not ‘gone’, he had just gone to work. He’s started a job this week and I’m very proud – it’s something I think he’ll be great at and he’ll find interesting, which is all you can ask for really – if a little jealous. I am applying for a lot of jobs at the moment, but nothing seems very concrete and it all feels very speculative. There’s one that I actually do really want, so I hope I’ll get asked to interview. Fingers crossed.
With my boyfriend starting his job, and a bunch of other people who have, like me, also just graduated, everything seems very uncertain for me – with no place of my own and no real income at the moment. I could stay with my parents, but there isn’t any work round there and being back at home brings back memories of a difficult time in my life and I would hate to sink back into that despair after trying so hard to be ok while away at university. I’m currently staying with a friend who’s still at uni, and it’s actually been really lovely, a few of us staying with him, and I kind of wish they’d all be my housemates now. We’ve been eating meals together, we’re all musical, and we’re equally crazy and busy types of people. I miss being in a busy house of my peers. I was pretty lonely last year, with only one other housemate, but I absolutely loved the year before when there were four of us – even though I didn’t get on with one of them, it was nice having two great friends around all the time, and a pet too.
This is a very uncertain time in my life, and while generally my medication is helping me cope on the whole, it means that panic can be triggered much more easily, because well there’s much more legitimate reason to panic. My anxiety has been kept under control, while my depression as ever fluctuates a lot, but I feel like now maybe I will be keeping the depression and anxiety on a similar – but luckily, fairly low – level. My SSRIs are helping me keep relatively steady, which means I’ll now be able to get the other help I need, since I’ll be much more receptive now. It’s taken nearly a year of medication, after about seven years of illness, to finally be in a state where therapy might actually make a difference. I hope I can still be referred to the Mood Disorder Clinic, which is what I was told last term, but since I didn’t know where I was going to be in the country (yay, uncertainty…) I couldn’t commit to anything. I need to arrange to see my doctor again, because it’s so easy to just not renew my prescription and I don’t want future me to hate past me for not being prepared.
I feel like I’m not doing anything at the moment, even though I have been searching applying for a bunch of jobs, because I just really want some security at the moment. And it seems like my mind is exhausted and I’m super stressed for not much reason at all. When I’ve finished this cup of tea and taken an anti-anxiety in preparation for this interview, I will finally actually hopefully make it there… it has been an awful lot of faff just for one tiny interview – them rearranging last minute and costing me a weekend in a B&B, the website having the wrong address, phone calls and emails… hopefully it will actually go ok, but I have been feeling pretty deflated about it and like I just really don’t want to go. But I know I have to try. And I have been managing to get things done recently, making the phone calls I need to, going into town when I need to, and making sure I get out of the house every day, and actually doing different activities. I need to remember that I’ve come a really long way, and not let go of that when I feel like I’m a waste of space and I don’t have a job or a home that I pay rent for or much stability at all right now.
Everyone seems to think it’s great that there’s no set thing that needs to be done, there are no imminent external deadlines. And yeah, that’s cool. But I want to get things done. I hate feeling like I’m wasting my time. I want to be productive. And I need to be given a reason to do that. Because otherwise everything I thought was right – I am a waste of space, and everything is pointless, and I’ll never figure anything out, and my mind will always return to its dark places. I really hope that isn’t the case, and it feels less like that now than it used to, but it definitely isn’t over. I know that I’ve got a lot of battling still to do. It seems to be a never-ending battle, and maybe it will be, but I’ll just have to prepare the frontline troops in my mind for the oncoming charge of depression and all its friends.
Look after yourselves,
Openness about mental health is super important and super tricky guys – check out my friend’s blog: https://navigatingmymind.wordpress.com/