So recently, I’ve been going a tad crazy. And no, I don’t throw that word around lightly, I am actually pretty confused and feel like my brain is deteriorating. I have been super hyper and pretty manic recently, I cannot focus on anything, I keep wanting to go out and do things. I went on music tour with a band I’m in to Dublin and it was incredible, I had an amazing time, busy all day and out every night, making music and having a wonderful time with over thirty friends. I got to know everyone much better and it was so good to get away from England for a bit, to escape the place my head feels trapped in. I can’t bear staying in one place, and hopefully I’m going to get to go travelling next year, but I’m super stressed about organising it and I just can’t deal at the moment with my final exams coming up, which I cannot concentrate to revise for. I submitted my last piece of coursework of my degree the other day, so that’s pretty terrifying, but my first exam is in less than a week and I just do not know what to do. I have been really chilled out recently, which has been good mentally, but isn’t so great for exam period. When I was doing exams at school, I used to work constantly every day, I wouldn’t see my friends, and there was that time in my life where I would exhaust myself mentally and physically by letting out all the stress forcefully. I know I shouldn’t do that, but I don’t know where to send the stress any more. If I worry too much, I’ll start shaking. I haven’t had a panic attack in a while, but in the last week they have seemed a lot more likely.
My housemate has been having a pretty tough time recently, and I just want her to be ok. Her boyfriend isn’t being very supportive of her MH problems and it’s the last thing she needs because she’s so amazing and so strong and she’s actually seeking help at the moment, which is great, and should be seen positively and encouraged. I worry about her a lot, she has been incredibly panicky, and I haven’t seen her get like this in over a year, so obviously I’m concerned. I’m just glad that she has me and I know she knows that, which is as much as I can do at the moment. I’m also glad I seem to be in a better state so I can look after her.
Yeah, so being in a better state = maybe not entirely healthy etc but not numb and upset and ill and unmotivated to do anything and everything the entire time. I’m on triple the original dose of meds I was given, so that’s 150mg of Sertraline daily. And I think I may have written about the side effects initially, which luckily are a distant memory now, because that really was awful. I am starting to think maybe they are taking some effect, but it’s really hard to tell. I think I am possibly bipolar, as my behaviour across the year as a whole seems to fluctuate a lot, although admittedly this happens within the days too, in a much more intense way than it used to. So it usually goes October/November pretty low, Christmas ok, February onwards really awful, April/May maybe ok and getting better, excellent at the beginning of summer, and then August it plummets…September is stable – ish. It helps to write that down. It’s so hard to understand or explain what you’re experiencing when you can’t even make sense of it yourself. There are so many ideas and thoughts going around my head the entire time and I need some way to let it out. Which is why I made this in the first place, although obviously there are really low points where I just don’t want to write, or I can’t do anything, or where I pretend that I’m ok or where I convince myself that the ‘bad’ side of my head is right. I haven’t believed the bad side of my head in a few weeks now, so that’s positive.
Last term, I was seen by someone at DAS (the Depression and Anxiety Service), who said she’d refer me for a proper assessment with the county MH team, but that was two months ago, and I was worried I hadn’t heard. I was discharged from DAS because I was ‘too high risk’ then didn’t hear anything, which kind of seems terribly unfair and awful if you ask my opinion. I am finally actually asking for help and everywhere I go they send me away, I just don’t feel good enough and don’t know how to cope with that on top of everything else. Luckily, my doctor Jo is amazing, she will see me as often as I need and within half an hour of seeing her and explaining about not hearing from the MH Assessment team I get a phone call telling me I can have an appointment next week. So that is really great. Again, they might refer me to other people etc etc, but hopefully they’ll pass me on to some more professional help, they have contact with psychiatrists etc and I would really like to know what is going on in my stupid head. I am really nervous, because explaining everything again is so tough and I’m worried I will panic. I am so so so much better at talking than I used to be. I used to not explain anything to anyone and just be angry at the world and shut myself off and cry and be unable to convey my emotions and avoid people, but now even opening up to a few people, some friends, some strangers on the internet, has helped me realise that it doesn’t always have to be like this (at least occasionally, anyway).
Since I’m always honest on here, I may as well get it off my chest that I’ve been thinking about my sexuality. I kissed A, and it didn’t feel wrong. It was a drunken thing with someone I had become close to on tour, and I shouldn’t have done that to T, but he has forgiven me, and I am so grateful. I think maybe I kissed A because I think I probably have feelings for girls too, and I don’t know, maybe it was a way of clarifying that. But I am so in love with T, who is incredible in so many ways, and I am so lucky to have him. I think it shouldn’t matter what gender you are, you can love who you like for being them, and no matter what my sexuality is, I don’t need to define that because I know that I love T more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I do not want to lose that, ever.