Heya, not been able to write for a while, either been busy or not had the motivation. Hope anyone that actually reads this is doing alright. I’m off on tour with a band I’m in tomorrow, well quite soon – I decided to stay up until the early hours of the morning instead of getting any sleep because I’m a lot better at staying awake than getting up (I’m pretty sure I’m nocturnal). Anyway, I’ve watched a load of Netflix so now I’m going to use the time to write a few words on the last month or so.
Things have been up and down, as usual. I’ve tried to make sense of some stuff in my head but I haven’t got very far. I need to take life a little slower, but my brain doesn’t seem to listen to itself at times. I get these really intense periods of everything going on in my brain at once and I can’t function, and I don’t know why. Then I’ll have times when I fine. Then times when I just freak out about everything at once. It’s like I can only cope with extremes, or can never just be somewhere in the middle. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of being average, I don’t really know, I just think what’s the point of anything if I’m never going to be the best at it, why don’t I just give up, this is never going to go anywhere – and it’s really hard to fight that voice in my head. One positive is that I’m becoming more self-aware but life is still pretty intense and unpredictable. I’m back at uni now with my friends, rather than stuck at home with my family, who have no idea what’s going on in my head every day. It’s lovely being around other people when I can just focus on the present and forget everything else. I just wish it was like that all the time.
I’m glad to have music back in my life, because I can just get lost in it and makes me feel such a great sense of achievement and creating something beautiful really makes me feel something, and I don’t often feel things anymore – sometimes I feel numb. It’s really strange, and I think it’s because of the medication I’m on. I used to be so worried about things like homework all the time when I was at school and get so stressed out even when I was clearly doing well, whereas now it’s like I cannot concentrate on anything and I don’t understand a bunch of my degree but I really don’t care. Because I know there are more important things, and I don’t need to judge myself on my ability to score well in an exam. It’s just that I used to do that, and if I don’t have that – the being good at loads of things and getting top marks side – then who am I? I based my whole life on doing well, in academia, in sports, in music, getting involved in as much as I possibly could. But I’ve just kind of lost all of that, and I don’t know how to feel. I became pretty obsessed with sports when I was growing up, and I’m afraid to start trying to exercise again because I’m afraid of the extreme, and I don’t want to go back to that mental place again – I associate what most people would associate with being healthy with exacerbating my illness at the time, and those are hard memories to acknowledge and they’re harder to avoid when I’m subconsciously reminding myself of them.
This blog is for me, to keep track of things in my life and how I’m feeling. But it’s pretty hard when there are a lot of things I’m feeling that I just can’t write, so this space is empty for a while. It does help to try and put things down on paper, but sometimes they’re so unclear I don’t even know where to start.