I’ve really wanted to write recently but I haven’t been able to find it in me. There’s an awful lot going round in my head but this post is just to get some feelings off my chest. I was really worried I was going to lose one of my best friends today. And when I say best friend, I mean someone that I love and care for more than anything, someone that matters to me so much and is always there for me when I’m down and who is also always there for me to have fun and who I can relate to like nobody else. I had to stay strong for her because she needed me, but inside I was really breaking. I’m having a really tough time at the moment, everything feels pretty bleak but right now I’m just glad that she’s still alive. I love her so much and I don’t know what I’d do without her. Being tough and strong for her all day has been so draining. I hope I was strong enough, and I hope she’s ok, but when I left the hospital and she went home and I was on my own I was so sad. i went into the corner shop and bought biscuits, chocolates and tampons. And everyone was just acting so normal. And I felt so removed from everything and I just don’t know what to do with myself. Nothing matters except her right now, she’s so important to me and I’m so scared. It was really hard to fight the bad side of her head today, it was taking over the good side – that came through a tiny bit – and it’s hard because I understand – the bad side of my head has been really loud recently. I just want to keep her safe and I hope that I’m doing all that I can. And it makes me so sad that she feels the lows that I do and that her head is pretty similar to mine. I know how horrible it can be being in that kind of brain and the thoughts can be so intense and you just want to get out. But I would never want her to leave. I would be so lost without her.
She’s thanked me for being there and I appreciate that a lot, because when she gets bad she tells people to go away and that she hates us etc. She’s my favourite. And I never want her to go anywhere. And she’s going abroad next year and I’m really worried.
I don’t know how much sense any of this makes as I’m in a bit of a state, been holding it in all day for her, then the Crisis Team rang me this evening as my GP has got them involved with me – which is making me scared and nervous – and I’m just trying to be calm. I’ve made myself a tea, and I’m just typing to do something productive because nothing feels like it matters and nothing feels normal and I have neglected the blog recently because I’ve been being selfish.
Hope everyone is hanging in there.