Opening up to people is a massive step, and it’s something I thought I’d got pretty good at. Telling people you have depression is one thing, but actually trying to formulate how you feel in those darkest moments is pretty terrifying. The mental blocks are coming back, where I just clam up and don’t let anyone in. Because the more that people care, the more people I let in, the more it’s going to hurt if anything happens to me. And right now I’m really scared. It’s a difficult task trying to constantly distract yourself, from yourself. Watching TV doesn’t work because my brain is still going, doing my work doesn’t work because it all seems so pointless, drawing isn’t working because I’m getting angry at myself for being so imperfect, and I haven’t been able to write very well (I’m obviously writing anyway, because sometimes trying to type out how I’m feeling helps me understand how I’m feeling in the first place). You forget what it’s like to be back in the other side of your head when hasn’t even been a fortnight since you were last there. It’s so hard trying to explain it.
I’m back in a battle with myself again, not knowing how to get out of my head. Well, there are definitely ways to get out of my head, for example by getting literally off my face, or by taking too many pills. And when my head gets too much, I want to do both of the above but I know I can’t. At least I have that at the moment – knowing what I’m thinking is wrong. But it’s so hard, and I don’t know how to explain it. How do you explain to someone you love that yesterday you were trying to find out the most effective ways of getting out of here? I just want to throw things and break things and scream. But I have to suppress it all, or people will know I’m crazy, and I’m so used to hiding. In times like this, I hate that I ever let anyone get close, because everything always ends in hurt. At least if I was hurting I wouldn’t feel so numb, hitting my head just to feel something, trying to remind myself what ‘being alive’ means, because existence isn’t great. I don’t want to waste my life just ‘existing’ and it feels pointless staying alive when I’m not making the most of it.
I keep having flashback type moments to the way I used to feel and it’s scaring me. Remembering the person that I used to be and thinking that I might go back there scares me, thinking that whoever I am now isn’t really me, but just a cover for all the darkness in my mind. I have no idea how to communicate what goes on when my head’s going bad. And trying to understand why. Because when I’m fine, I can see there’s no reason for me to feel down. But when I’m not, everything is wrong. And I push the good things away. The other side of my brain is taking over and she doesn’t want to let anyone in, because she’s not worth their time, she’s only going to hurt them. And when it all gets too much, I don’t want people to be left behind. I should get out of their lives before it’s too late.
When my mind gets like this, I just want to knock myself out because there are too many words going round and round, and even my music won’t drown them out, it just adds another voice. But silence makes the voices in my head louder and when I can’t focus on anything, there’s nowhere to escape. I thought maybe this year would be a positive one, but it’s only the seventh day, and it already seems stupid to have thought that. I feel so ungrateful and guilty for feeling the things that I do, the ones I can’t even try to explain, but that just makes it worse. How can someone who’s so ungrateful be allowed in this world?
I’ve had some rational worries recently, but they become irrelevant when my head does this. A friend sent me quite a bitter text yesterday for not meeting up with her during the holiday, saying that she’d changed her plans. I had already apologised, I didn’t know she’d changed her plans for me, we hadn’t confirmed anything, and I missed seeing my grandparents because my head was just too loud and I needed to keep myself away from people. But she has no idea about any of that, and I don’t know what to say. It would be nice if people didn’t just think about themselves sometimes. And maybe I’m being selfish too, I know that, but I’ve accepted lots of times when she’s rearranged our plans and I would never make her feel guilty because I understand that everyone has their own stuff going on and there’s probably a good reason, and it’s just one day.
I had a really bad dream last week. I have a lot of pretty scary dreams, but this one stuck. There were lots of parts to it, but the part I remember is the part where I’m a terrible mother. (In the dream, I’m pregnant, and then suddenly I have a lizard in my care- which is my ‘baby’ – and then it dies. Also, I wore mismatching shoes in the dream, which was quite distressing when I woke up.) Anyway, I woke up feeling really upset and guilty, and it just made think about how I don’t know if I’m going to ever have children. I love babies, and children, and all my friends call me ‘Mum’ because apparently I’m motherly towards everyone. But how could I let myself have a child when my brain gets like this? I might not be able to be there in the way a mother should, or I might give them my genes, and I’m pretty sure the depression has at least some kind of genetic origin. It’s something I used to worry about a lot, and I don’t want to worry about this now, while I’m twenty: it’s irrational and a long way off, and it’s bringing back a lot of the OCD paranoia that I used to have. And I just don’t understand why. Mostly in my dreams but sometimes while I’m awake. People die in my dreams: I dream that I have to speak at my close friends’ funerals; I dream that people are in car accidents; I dream that people are in comas; I dream that I’m pregnant and I miscarry; I dream that I try to hurt myself; I dream that I try to die. At least at the moment it’s mostly in sleep – at least I’m evidently sleeping – but it’s creeping back into my awake time, and I can’t move or speak or do anything when that horrible part of my brain is taking over.
I had another dream this week, about the future: I had graduated and started having a conversation with my boyfriend about the future, in which he assumed it was over now University has finished. And why would anyone possibly want to have a long-term future with me? I have no idea how things are going to be in half a year’s time, but I woke up panicking. I always tell my boyfriend my dreams, but I didn’t tell him what happened in that one, I just said we had an argument – there were lots of other scenes in that night’s Act and that was just the final one. I don’t know whether to bring up the future. I’m scared in case the dream was right, but if it is, then what is the point in getting even closer now and then being torn apart by circumstances again? I have no idea how I would handle that. It happened last year and it was horrible, but this relationship is so much more.
My anti-anxiety pills don’t seem to be calming me down. I just want to take a bunch of them and go to sleep for a really long time. But I have a deadline on Friday. And dealing with my head is a matter of pushing through it. And that’s bloody hard sometimes. I’ve been doing this for nearly seven years now. Every time it feels like it’s going to get better, this happens, again and again. I don’t know how much more I can take. I only end up hurting people. I don’t even know where either side of my head is at right now. I don’t even know if this makes any sense because it’s basically like two people are writing it at the same time.
I’m pretty confused and I just want to get out of here. I hope you’re all having better days.