I don’t feel like writing so much when my head is stable, or rather I’m more open about the happy feelings when things are good so it doesn’t feel as though there’s as much to let out. But I feel like now I should write it down anyway so that I remember things aren’t always bad. I’m in the kind of place where I decide that there’s nothing wrong with me. Which is pretty great, for now. I had a wonderful New Year: I walked in the snow; I stayed with my lovely boyfriend and his lovely family; I got a lot of work done; I watched a few films curled up in front of the fire; and I had a lovely New Year’s Eve. I didn’t panic much for all of last week and I’ve got back to University feeling pretty positive. I spent the afternoon drawing and I haven’t got anything finished or perfect, but I had a very enjoyable few hours after I unpacked. I also did a wash, went to the corner shop and spent time chatting to my lovely housemate. I’ve been blasting out Guns N’ Roses on my new headphones and feeling really good.
On New Year’s Eve, I went to my first ceilidh (barn dance), and I had so much fun. I just let go of everything that had been going on in my head in the few weeks before and enjoyed being alive, focusing on having fun just for the sake of it. It was pretty crowded and there was a lot of strangers, but everyone was so friendly and I was able to take some time out, so managed to avoid any of the potential anxiety, which I’m pretty proud of. Spending so much of my usual waking time hating life, it was pretty amazing to feel like I was really glad to be alive. Maybe this means 2015 will be a good year, in which maybe I’ll figure out a bit of the future. I’ve been planning lots of things in my head, entering a slight manic phase, but it’s a good one, so it isn’t really an issue. I just feel like being productive. Which is pretty useful considering I have to complete my degree. Even if it’s just momentary, I’m going to make the most of it. Try and rediscover some of the old me. I think the drawing has really been helping with that. I’m not useless – none of them are perfect, by any means, but they’re also not terrible, and I’ve realised how much I miss being creative. Getting back into reading as well. I forgot how much I love getting lost in the story – it’s so much more interesting than getting lost in my head, and reading really makes me think about so much, which is a wonderful feeling when often it’s the same negative thoughts going round and round your head and you can’t escape them: to feel as though thinking IS an escape is such a relief.
I saw the idea of a ‘Rememberlutions Jar’ on the internet – a jar to fill up with happy memories from the year – a jar to fill up with positive memories rather than making resolutions that I’ll never manage to stick to (although when I was 7 I did decide to stop biting my nails as a New Year’s Resolution and it actually worked, but apart from that I don’t recall any other times I’ve stuck to a resolution). I’ve already put three bits of paper with good things that have happened so far in 2015 into the jar (well, it’s not a jar yet, but I’ll transfer it when I find one and decorate it). This is a much better way of approaching the New Year: remember the good things you do, the great times you’ve had, rather than setting yourself goals when you never know what’s around the corner. This way I’ll be able to see that I am able to feel happy, even in my lowest moments, when I usually forget this, and hopefully I’ll make it to the end of the year and have a bundle of memories to open and feel good about come next New Year.
I’ve been watching some ‘Planet Earth’, some episodes about the sea, and it’s truly fascinating. It makes me want to go diving. I have pretty bad ears, so I’ve had to resign myself to the fact that I’m probably unable to dive, which is a real shame as I’ve loved the sea, and generally being in water, since I was a child. My parents used to call me the water baby in our family and I learnt to swim in a river in France. It’s amazing that they can film things that go on in the ocean and I can see that on a screen even though I probably won’t ever be able to see it with my own eyes. Discovering things about the ocean is pretty interesting and I feel awe watching it, and I think being intrigued about something helps me with being positive, because I like to know things, and the less I know about something, the more there is to discover.