Absolute chaos

So my father decided to invite twenty members of his very loud family round for a takeaway tonight. This would be stressful for anyone, even if I wasn’t a very anxious person. Having the same conversation with various relatives about what I’m doing with my future – same answer: I don’t know. Making me feel like a failure over and over again. I’m finding it pretty hard to explain how it makes me feel when I am suddenly surrounded by people. It’s a sudden, terrifying overwhelming fear, and you might be able to physically move, or you might appear ok to those around you, but inside your brain feels like it’s about to implode. Sometimes people might think I’m rude, because I’ve learnt to remove myself from situations rather than get worked up and cause arguments. Alone time is important, especially when those around you make no attempt to understand how you might feel. I don’t particularly feel like writing, I drank earlier so I shouldn’t take a sleeping pill and I’ve used a lot of energy controlling myself tonight. I’m going to go and say hi to my elefriends and continue listening to music to escape from the noisiness of my mind.



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