Any great work has to start somewhere. Once you hit twenty (as I recently did), you really start thinking about life. Everything in your life seems to suddenly gain so much more significance because you realise that you’re reaching a stage where people need to start figuring out how they’re going to survive in the big wide world. This feels like the go-between part; I don’t feel like I have a real home, I’m flitting between the South East and the South West – it’s confusing. I don’t think I could live in the same town for more than a few years, it gets so claustrophobic. We only have one life, we should make it an adventure.
It seems odd then that the feeling (or rather, realisation) that nothing really matters and of utter freedom should accompany the juxtaposing impending doom of having absolutely no idea what happens next, or how I get there. Or perhaps it makes total sense: we’re all just struggling through, not knowing where the train of life will stop next. That’s part of the reason I’m starting this blog. We, humanity, that is, spend too long wishing life away, stressing about overcoming the next hurdle, how to get to the next part, ticking of to do lists (at least that last one’s a huge part of my life). It’s time to take a step back and stop wishing my life away.
On reflection, the past twenty years were the crazy introduction to the person I am now. They were filled with stress and anxiety – it’s a work in progress and of course life is accompanied by a multitude of stresses, but now I find it hard to understand how easily I ignored the notion of ‘living’ before. In the past, I simply existed: got up; worked hard at school; drove myself insane with worry about ridiculous things; and eventually went to sleep. Since I’ve tried to turn that around, there are suddenly vast possibilities for the future. Yes, I have no idea where I want to be in a year’s time, in ten, in fifty…but it’s ok, this is actually a good thing. Sticking to strict plans can get in the way of ‘life’, blocking out any potential we might have. I can be anything I want to be and everything else is going to have to fit around that.
Tomorrow, these moments will be gone, and I maintain the philosophy that in life one regrets the things that one did not do, rather than the things one did. The latter will simply be experiences to learn from or stories to tell, and maybe they will feel like hell at the time, but in the end, people struggle through and it makes us stronger. Appreciating the beauty of moments and revelling in the present is the only way that we should live, and so that is what I shall do.