Happy and emotional

So I met a boy. Just before Christmas, out on my work do, a very inebriated version of myself decided to pretty much fall sideways into this guy that happened to also be on the dance floor at a bar in town, who walked me home and stayed in touch – a lovely, kind, funny, silly, adventurous cutie who I just click with completely, who I proceeded to spend a lot of time with…who has just moved to New Zealand for the year. I knew that this was happening when we met, which was not even 2 months ago, but I never envisaged how much I would fall for him. We’re going to attempt the super long distance thing… and I feel fairly ok about it. I think the reason I was panicking before was because it was so uncertain, and because of the way a previous relationship ended with profession of love and expressing that it would be ending for the travels being wrapped up in one sentence…and the fact that H was so new in my life meant that I wasn’t sure how things were going to play out. I managed to pluck up the courage to suggest giving a relationship a go – which wasn’t easy – but the response was an immediate yes and he was very glad I said something. I am very glad I did too. I would always rather try something and see what happens than never know what could have been and maybe the fact that we both knew he would be on the other side of the world fairly shortly made us very honest with ourselves and one another. I don’t seem to do things in balance, only in extremes – and I have a feeling this will be an extreme commitment. And it’s scary, yes, but the fact that I still feel that way when H is literally as far away as he could possibly be, with the biggest time difference, is reassuring in a way.

He makes me smile so much my jaw literally aches. I know that sounds super cringey, and gross, and it probably is, but those who know me will know that I only use ‘literally’ in the literal sense – because otherwise, what is the point of having a word for that purpose in the first place? We just have so much fun when we’re together, whatever it is that we’re doing. I hope we can make it work, and I’m thinking about going out to see him in NZ in the summer, as my current work contract ends in August, but there are many serious things to think about in the meantime. Although they (him and 2 friends have gone) will be snowboarding at that point in the year, and I haven’t been skiing/snowboarding in several years and I would absolutely love to join them. And I have been thinking about going travelling for a while anyway… I keep seeing pictures and hearing stories from various friends who have been to all sorts of places and it is giving me the major wanderlust. I have monies saved up to put towards travelling, as I want to go at some point in my twenties. Maybe it will be this year. Maybe this is what I needed to give me the motivation and sense of purpose to actually plan something concrete rather than it just being an idea in my head.

So the 2 friends H has gone with also have girlfriends, so they will all understand about staying in contact with those at home, and although H and I only got together recently, I think it’s nice for all of them that they’re not alone in their position. I heard from H in between flights on the way out, which was a really nice surprise as I thought it would be a few days before we had any contact. We’ve got the Skype set up for when its convenient and they’re all sorting SIMs out in the next couple of days. I may be blogging more as I am trying to fill up my time and keep as busy as possible now he’s gone. The last week was lovely – spent the weekend together, met a bunch more of his friends (met some and his family already and he’s met some of mine, all the kind of natural stages in a relationship). I took the day off work so we could spend his last full day in the country together, and I’m so glad I did, because we had an amazing day out, and I felt truly happy all day. It really was a proper goodbye. I only started to get emotional when I left the next morning – leaving at 6.30am to drive for over an hour to home and get ready and in to work on time. Yes, his house in the UK is not particularly near, but when my friends have pointed this out, I have responded with the fairly obvious statement that it is a lot closer than half way round the world.

I pretty much held it together, with a few tears on the drive back, but accompanied by happy tears too. At work that day, I had a HUGE amount of emails and phone calls from the day off to catch up on, so I was certainly occupied during the day and had many things to focus on and keep track of. Anyway, because we’d been having such a great time, and been busy recently, I had been doing quite well at not getting emotional. Then I called him as he got on the plane and into his seat for the first stint of the flight, at which point I did burst into tears because I am going to miss him ridiculously. Luckily my friend C arrived as I was on the phone – she was staying over (for completely unrelated reasons that happened to fall quite conveniently for me) so she was there to give me the cuddles, and she took my mind off things as we had lots to catch up on from life, and having someone beside me in the night was also comforting. Having a mid-week sleepover was very strange but keeping busy is going to be good for me. C had baked peanut butter fairy cakes with jam in the middle to cheer me up, and made me lots of tea and it was lovely (I need to remind her to send me the recipe for the cakes, as baking is another thing I can do to occupy my mind and I can also give these to the team at work).

I arrived at my desk at work on Wednesday morning to a pile of gifts and some flowers with a note from my supervisor saying ‘A few things to take your mind off other things…’ within which was chocolate, bubble bath, alcohol, teabags and the special Gender issue of the National Geographic, as she knows that is the sort of thing I would enjoy perusing. It was so thoughtful and lovely of her to do that, as she knows the situation with H, and obviously I’d taken the day off to say goodbye etc, and I almost burst into tears at my desk. I told H what she’d done and he told me to give her a hug from him (which I did mention to her in my one to one meeting the next day, so I need to inform him that this has been received), and I realise I am very lucky to have someone so very caring as my boss. My team at work is great, they’re all super silly, so I fit in excellently, and I can be my annoying, sarcastic, literal self around them, which is not something I often do in public, let alone a professional environment – much to their disappointment I am sure, but the fact I feel comfortable enough to view my colleagues as friends as well is quite a nice bonus. We’re quite a mix of people, ages, genders, backgrounds etc and I think it works pretty well. We seem to be constantly growing at the moment though (the team, not personally, although we do all snack a lot…) – the business seems to want us to do more and more, therefore they basically need another one of me and another one of my supervisor to effectively function in the way that they want us to in addition to a bunch of other things. BUT it’s the weekend, so I don’t want to dwell on work too much.

Why do I find the energy to blog at 2am but I can never wake up for work at a normal time ?!

H was just one of the things I wanted to mention in this post. I realise I haven’t posted here in a long time and there have been many developments in various aspects of my life. There is pole, there is orchestra, there are general life thoughts, general health updates etc – my mental health has actually been quite steady for the past two months – wow, reflecting on that, that is pretty damn incredible, especially reading back some of my blog posts from a couple of years ago. I’m still on the high dose of Sertraline, and I’m going to stick with it – I attempted dropping the dose down before Christmas, but this was not sensible. I am just taking it in the mornings now, as the doctor advised, rather than taking it late at night so that I’m not really sleepy when I needed to get going for work the next day.

 

Physical health update… However much I love my work family, I cannot sit at a desk forever. My back will break even more. I am seeing a chiropractor and a physiotherapist at the moment, and both are helping – it’s expensive but it’s worth it for the difference its making, and I feel like I am now friends with both of them, always have great chats at the sessions. Moving around helps my back/neck feel better, but movement is a bit limited on days where I am stuck in front of the screen for a long time. I do try to get up and make drinks or move around the building and pop outside (weather permitting) regularly. Other than the usual back/neck problems, physical health is doing ok other than many bruises from pole!

It is now coming up to my ‘pole-iversary’, having gone to my first pole taster in February 2016, on a random ‘give it a go’ kind of outing as a couple of my friends were booked on and a space came up last minute – it’s very strange to think it has been a year, and pole has been the one constant in my life throughout that time. I am very grateful to the instructors for all the confidence they’ve given me and all the fun I’ve had in classes. I am stronger, I am more confident, I feel better about my body. I have learnt so much about the pole community and everyone has been so welcoming and lovely, as well as helping me keep fit and motivating me, I have made some great friends who are great fun to socialise with outside of classes too. Next weekend I am performing at the studio’s showcase, my first solo performance, choreographed myself, in front of an audience that includes some of my friends. I am absolutely terrified, but my mind has also been so occupied recently, that I haven’t really left myself much time to worry about it. It will be fun, and it will be an experience.

I should really sleep as I am mid Orchestra weekend. Had a couple of hours rehearsal today (Friday evening) and got rehearsals tomorrow and Sunday with a concert Sunday afternoon. It’s nice to be playing clarinet again, feeling part of a group – and again, its something that one can be completely engrossed in, not having to speak but being able to express oneself through music. This weekend will be musical expression, and next weekend it will be through dance… both things have come at a fairly convenient time really, as I am feeling a lot of emotions.

Then in early March, I have a weekend to kick off my TEFL course! This I signed up for several months ago, to do a course to teach English as a foreign language, which I thought could be useful for travels, and teaching is also something I’ve considered as a career. So it will be an intensive weekend and then 100 hours online, so congratulations to me making life as hectic as possible. This is certainly a bit of a manic phase… but I think it’s a good thing. I’m feeling ok. Since my current employment is only fixed until August, I had always planned to consider the serious life plans going into 2017. So this is what I shall do.

Wow. Many life thinkings to do…

One last soppy note before I sign off – H gave me a gorgeous necklace, which he gave to me early this week saying that he felt bad for leaving so he wanted to get me something – it was unexpected and very sweet, and it’s just perfect. For someone that is scared of commitment, the L word and all things lovey dovey, he has been pretty romantic with me, even if he pretends to be all tough, and I am most appreciative of this – we hit it off straight away and have developed something truly amazing in the short time we’ve known each other – we just work really well together, and I can see this being something great. We’ll just have to see how it goes now.

Hope you are all as happy as I am but not so emotional!

E

Going nowhere…

Feeling rubbish at the moment. I just want a chance to be myself, but everyone seems to have a problem with the person that that is. Which makes me really sad. I feel like I’m losing friends, I’ve pushed people that care about me away and my brain is in a mess. I just don’t know how to function at the moment.

I’m stressed and anxious about moving out of this flat and into somewhere new. People don’t understand how panicky I get about everyday situations, let alone how I deal with massive changes like this, which weren’t exactly easy choices to make. I know other people have far more complicated situations, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings of my own – everything is relative. I know I’m not good at being on my own, and that’s a massive risk, probably no good for my mental health, but I can’t just stay ‘safe’ forever and I know that.

My new job is good, but I’m still faking being happy all day every day, filling up my mind by filling up the work day, doing longer hours than I need to, taking on lots of tasks and attending lots of meetings.

Things are difficult because T and I have the same circle of friends, and they don’t know how to act around us. I’m trying so hard to be a good person and do the right thing. Whatever I do, someone gets hurt. It all feels so pointless when everyone is going to hate you anyway. I just want to give up. I don’t need to answer to anyone else, yet everyone keeps finding excuses to have an issue with me. My family, friends that I care about, just everyone.

I can’t deal with any of this anymore.

E

Life Organising, Very Exhausting

I keep loading my blog up to start a new post and then getting distracted by other things or not concentrating enough to form my crowded thoughts into coherent language. Whenever I start to do one thing, an ever-increasing list of things to do starts to wind its way out of my mind, reminding me of the many other tasks I have been neglecting, or creating things that my brain decides it should be doing, which tends to instil guilt, throw me into panic mode, make me ashamed of being myself. Understandably, this then prevents me from doing anything. So I am going to attempt to block that side of my brain out for a moment, but it is never an easy feat.

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We need to stop calling Donald Trump mentally ill

Well said. Reblogged.

Mad girl's lament

On Friday night, I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher and the panel discussion inevitably went to the subject of Donald Trump. For those of you living under a rock, Donald Trump is the Republican nominee for President. His campaign has been filled with so many gaffs that it’s no longer funny to make fun of him. It’s a frightening reality that he could potentially be the next President of the United States.

So as Bill Maher’s panel, featuring Rob Reiner, went in to discuss this particularly ridiculous week in Trump’s campaign, I settled in for a few laughs (because if we don’t laugh, we might have to cry over this new reality). So here I was, all ready to laugh, when Rob Reiner exclaimed: “He’s mentally ill!” Reiner repeatedly and emphatically called Donald Trump mentally ill. Maher went one step further and joked: “This is the first Presidential candidate that has…

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Everything’s in a mess

So I started to write this on Monday…

Drinking wine in the middle of the day, panicking about major life decisions and skipping meals.

My heart and my head are in a big mushy mess. I didn’t realise it was possible to feel such strong feelings all at once. And then I got re

… it’s now Friday – I seem to have got distracted there, stopping mid-sentence let alone in the middle of a word is not normal for me. Things are in a mess, yes, but I am better now than I was a few days ago. I have been made redundant, which sucks. Especially because it’s now August. And if you have followed my blog before, you will know how August usually goes. And that thought in itself is a little terrifying.

Back to the unstable mess that is classic me…

So aside from the heart troubles, I’m having real-person-problems or ‘normal low’ times at the moment anyway… because I lost my job. ARGH. And I’m a little angry about it. It’s not like I did anything wrong. It’s not like the company’s going bust. I’m just not worth much, for business, to invest in as a person, and I feel as though as I’m of no value. I thought I helped, I did what I was asked, I think I contributed to the business. And I was in shock at 5pm on Friday afternoon, when I’m coming back from the bathroom and brought into the boardroom for a ‘word’.

Back to the bathroom I went…

So it’s now a week later… A Tuesday after the Friday. Clearly my blog writing is going well…I’m in a café in town, trying to sort my life out a little bit. I’ve met with two people already today re jobs and I’m supposed to be doing another meeting later, but I’m not sure I can face it. I’m so exhausted inside. And everything’s very unstable. I really hope I get the job from this morning, I think I’d be good at it. Just like starting work all over again though and wherever – if at all – I get some work, I’m going to be so nervous and new all over again.

 

ANOTHER UPDATE… got a job, so that’s something, start tomorrow morning. Nervous and terrified. Don’t want to go. Not in the mood to blog but been messing about with this post for a week so just going to post it. Will update when I feel a bit better.

Taking up Pole Dancing

As those who have followed my blog in the past or know me personally will know, I tend to internalise things. I’m working on expressing myself and have found something that makes me feel truly empowered: pole dancing.

I’ve been having lessons for the last two months, and can feel myself getting stronger, feeling sexier and doing something a couple of times a week that is truly just for me, where I can escape everything else.

Rather than internalising the bad things, I’m projecting them through a hobby – I’ve tried this through group exercise classes but there’s just something different about pole, I’m working on improving my moves, learning more, rather than repetitive exercises with little development, as with some of the gym classes.

I’ve discovered a whole new community, I’ve come to respect all those throughout history who have embarked on a pole journey – whether that’s the Chinese and Indian men who competed in pole strength activities, or the strippers who defined modern pole. I don’t know details but it’s so interesting finding all of this out. I’m pretty sure that the sexualisation of pole came from females being ‘allowed’ to do it and the historical perception of women as ‘to be looked at’ so in a way that part of pole may have stemmed from sexual objectification. But I do pole for me. No disrespect to those who do pole for adult entertainment, that’s a personal choice, but for me it’s about being in a room away from the rest of the world, separate from all other parts of my life, totally new, that let’s me truly be me.

I already feel like I’ve improved so much and have definitely become a pole addict. Which I never would have anticipated a year ago. It keeps my fitness up, it’s a new social circle, I’ve met some lovely people (a couple of irritating ones too, but I just avoid them!), had the pleasure of being taught by some amazing instructors in a safe and friendly environment and developed such a passion and appreciation for how difficult the more advanced levels really are!

Those are my brief thoughts of the night – perhaps I’ll expand on them at some point. I’ve been meaning to blog for a while but I’ve been a little up and down recently. This is something that keeps me going.

Final comment: As I’ve got into more online communities and researched more on pole, I’ve come across a lot of stigma and hate and it really saddens me that these amazing, strong, beautiful and talented male and female sportspersons alike (because it’s a sport, just as gymnastics is, the moves are pretty similar, your bar is just vertical instead of horizontal!) are so downplayed in the public eye, and so unnecessarily sexualised with absolutely no basis. ARGH, this is getting me riled. As are offensive comments I’ve seen posted or privately sent to anyone that posts anything to do with pole on their public social media profiles… it’s ‘ok’ when women are half naked in adverts, across billboards, for someone else’s pleasure…but god forbid a woman decide how much of her body she shows in what position for herself! (Men pole dance too, but they aren’t sexualised in the same way and I hope they don’t experience this too – I’ve just not heard of it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to them too).

 

The world is messed up. Hang in there.

E x

 

Sexist bullies on international women’s day 2016…

A few of the insults I (anonymously) received for sharing my views on equality and engaging in intelligent debate about the use of the term feminism and calling someone out for the objectification and sexualisation of women…

NB: I am ‘acorn’, the good guy is ‘socks’ and anyone else is three different people with similarly awful minds, views, and words… italics are my retrospective thoughts.

See for yourself:

  1. God it’s easy to tell you’re a woman. So fucking boring
  2. What’s your snapchat? Fancy a shag?
  3. I very much doubt you look like kayley cuoco so you’d be in for a marathon (at this point I gained some self esteem…)
  4. Apparently being the key word.. If you have to assure someone over an anonymous app I’m sure you look like an old bowl of porridge (I burst out laughing at this one…)
  5. Look, I’ve never been more disappointed with someone’s ability to give chat than you on this thread. You are worse than ugly, you’re boring
  6. You just need a good cock to pump some sense into you
  7. Good lad socks, smash her in for me (words to someone standing up for me and offering to talk somewhere else)
  8. I’m surprised he’s still with you, you are without a doubt the most mundane individual I’ve ever come across. He’ll dump you soon
  9. Good lord you’re boring
  10. Feminism has corrupted your thoughts, it has no relevance in the 21st century. Women’s sport, joke. Women in high powered jobs, joke. Women doing anything, joke.
  11. I also called you mundane, you’re personality upsets me, you have the conversational capacity of a vegetable. (It really irritates me that this guy did not understand the use of ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ that he literally used them the total opposite way round…)
  12. Proud of you for pursuing it sock. She sounds like a right virgin. She could probably do with a filling. (When someone was engaging in debate with me and offering to move the conversation away from these people)
  13. Also, socks, you’re a fucking flannel, you’re the reason women have dreams (to the same guy)
  14. I know you want it really you filthy little whore.
  15. Oh. My. God. You are completely abscent of personality, I pity the poor bastard who ends up with you. He’ll end his life or shag your sister.
  16. He needs to be warned, you’d be better off with a cardboard cut out to match your level of conversation. Well by the time you’re married she’ll be ripe. (Advice for my partner, and the second sentence referring to my sister, who I clarified was still in school…)
  17. Give it a fucking rest now Acorn
  18. Get a life
  19. I bet your muff is hairy and un-kept you little rodent
  20. I tell you who certainly isn’t ripe, you. You insignificant, dull, horrendously insufferable little piece of average. Your sister however.. She’ll be ready to bite into very soon.
  21. And the state of your muff is all you have going for you, youre just a hole for a cock. (I corrected the above assumption with the fact that I am actually clean shaven at present, but this does not have any bearing on anything, as I pointed out)
  22. Oh fuck off socks you wet flannel. You’re worse than her (Again, directed to the guy standing up for me)
  23. Socks hiding behind the woman. Especially hilarious after his little attempt at chirping earlier. ‘do you have kik?’. Desperate little lemon.
  24. Well what happened, or didn’t happen, to make you so boring you make my mind implode from lack of stimulation
  25. You’ve both been fantastic little nibblers but I must adjourn to bed. Good night and good luck! (Whatever that means)
  26. God Lord, you nibbled and I threw you back in the ocean.. Go away
  27. You are an inspiration op (To the guy insulting me…)
  28. Acorn your sad and lonely. Now shut up. (I’m actually the most happy and fulfilled I’ve ever been…ironically)
  29.  Oh fuck off acorn, you’re like a blank piece of A4, fucking boring. Go back to trying to desperately keep your ‘partner’ and wait for the inevitable breakup and crushing loneliness. (Not sure if he meant I was pretending that I had a partner or mocking me for the use of the word, or it was in response to him assuming my partner was male…)
  30. I hope you cry yourself to sleep tonight, with only your fingers up your neglected cavity to keep you company.

 

I refrained from using any foul language throughout this vile exchange and continued to argue my case with valid points and attempt to get these lowlifes to understand. All they did was prove why gender equality still has such a long way to go, and it was deeply saddening. They see a woman as a ‘hole to be filled’; they wished me loneliness and a break up for being ‘boring’ and having an opinion on equality; they insulted the person agreeing with me; called me a ‘virgin’ as though that’s an insult; presumed I ‘need’ a man to fulfil me; commented on the state of my pubic hair for some unknown reason; and insulted someone trying to support me… I don’t feel like I need to add much to this – it’s pretty self explanatory. And really really sad.

 

I don’t take it personally, because it’s anonymous, but I take it as an insult to women everywhere and to all those fighting for equality to be so shortsighted and disgusting. I do not understand how there is still such a long way to go or how anyone can claim that feminism is not important in our society. This is one person’s experience, in one place in the world, in a developed country, in a white middle class Western (i.e. ‘privileged’) area. Imagine what it’s like living somewhere else, being someone else, and experiencing sexism, along with whatever other kind of discrimination you have to face on a daily basis.

 

I will not give up writing about this or fighting for this because if things like this are not exposed, I dread to think how long such damaging exchanges will drag out into the future. What if these affect someone when they’re at a low point? Luckily for me I am at a relatively stable point this week, so I could laugh it off, but I could be anyone, I could have had anything happen to me. And these people behave in this manner… It sickens me. It really does.

 

STAY STRONG.

E x

 

 

LABELS AND FABLES

I don’t have any New Years Resolutions WOO! I didn’t have any last year but I decided to write down nice things that happened throughout the year (which did last a few weeks at least) and keep them in a tin. I found them the other day and it made me happy, so resolving not to make new years’ resolutions was a great plan, evidently. The ‘Rememberlutions Jar’ is a lot better than creating unrealistic expectations for myself and will help me see the positives in my life. I think I blogged about this last year but who knows. I might try to be more consistent with my blog, but I say this every few months so we’ll see. I am settling into the new routine a bit now so everything is beginning to seem more manageable (other than my body clock, which likes to be all over the place gaaaaah). Hence why I’m writing here at midnight on the first day back at work after Christmas…whoops.

I have recently become OBSESSED with YouTube – vloggers, animators, the general community, theories on channels… it is brilliant. It is with the internet that I see my life represented: there are always two extremes. The internet has been my ‘rock’ when I have been alone. There are people I can relate to, there are outlets for people to share their views, it gives me a way of keeping in contact with people when I am unable to talk or communicate effectively with those physically in the vicinity. Some might say everyone does this and it’s antisocial but it really is a great support when one is prone to anxiety. There are stupid things, fun things, educational things, videos, articles, real people, characters, spaces for everyone. The other extreme, and the fear of vlogging I have, is of course the ‘haters’. I’m not going to dwell on that – it’s self explanatory and they don’t deserve my time.

We’ll see if I get anyway…new to the whole editing thing and need to scope out what I want the aim to be so starting up a kind of silly try-out channel (Pyjama Diaries is the link if you want to check it out) to play around with some ideas while I figure out where I want the main channel to go. I mean, obviously it’s location will be youtube but in terms of metaphorically ‘going’ somewhere, I’m unsure what tone to take. I would quite like to be educational and do societal commentary-esque stuff, but there’s so many brilliant ones out there already, I think I have some brainstorming to do. I could do a spider diagram…wow this evening just got even more exciting!

AND NOW… time for the actual post…

 

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Sexism doesn’t exist, you say?…

Over the past couple of weeks, I have begun to call out colleagues on their unintentional sexist remarks or attitudes. This has meant having constructive discussion with some of them about why I hold those opinions and explaining my standpoint. This is certainly a positive thing as it calls into question why I hold certain beliefs and values, encourages others to consider that, enables me to explain thoroughly and logically so that others can truly understand the everyday experience of being a female.

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Medication myths…leave my personal drug routine for me to worry about please and stop making everything worse for everyone around you suffering from a mental illness.

So, I have a chronic illness I left untreated for about seven years that has a pretty high death rate and debilitating consequences, and I’m catching it pretty late. In any ‘normal’ situation, the question you would ask would probably be isn’t there any kind of treatment, have you tried drugs, are there any therapies available.

If the response to a diagnosis of a physical illness was ‘are you sure’, ‘I doubt any drugs specifically designed to help you will work’, ‘you’re exaggerating’…well, it would be ridiculous. Just as it is ridiculous for anyone that doesn’t have a clue what’s going on in my mind and is not a trained medical professional to try and tell me that medication is dangerous, it won’t work, I don’t need it and it’s bad for me.

WAKE UP.

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